Why do we continue to have high hopes even knowing that it hurts? I’ve been hurt countless times, over and over again by the same person, yet I haven’t learned my lesson. Right now, it hurts so much. Why do we keep expecting things from people who we know will always let us down? When do we say ENOUGH IS ENOUGH? When do we stop hitting our heads against the brick wall? When do we know that forgiveness is divine but to forgive again is stupidity? When do we draw the line and say ‘l’ll love myself more today than I love you?’ When do we say that ‘I’ll put myself first than you?’ When do we stop fooling ourselves?
I guess the better question, is WHY? Why do we keep doing things that hurt us? Why do we keep going back to the person who we know is bad for us? Why do we love others more than we love ourselves? Why do we become martyrs even knowing that martyrs are shot? Why do we put our happiness in the hands of others? Why do we keep slapping ourselves over and over again?
We’ve all heard the lessons, the stories. But it seems like we never really learn from it. Deep in our minds we know that in loving someone, we must always keep a part for ourselves. But it seems like we never do that. We just give it all to that person. The Gestalt prayer says “I am I and you are you, I’m not in this world to live up to what you expect of me, nor are you here to live up to mine. If by chance we meet, its beautiful. If not, it cannot be helped”. I’ve memorized that, I’ve sung it but it’s such BS you know. We can’t really completely say, it cannot be helped, because deep down, we always wish, expect and hope that it could be help somehow, someway. We try so hard to fit a round object in a square peg until the round becomes dented and will finally fit in the square. But, it can be done… with a cost… A cost that I find so high to pay, yet I could not help but pay it.
Tears I can shed. Heartache I can bear. But everytime you hurt me a part of my heart gets broken, and no matter how much I try to mend it, I can’t do it. The really sad part is that, the broken heart hardens and I don’t know if it would ever thaw again. Bad.. so bad..
The ironic thing is that, the person who means so much to me and has the power to hurt me so bad, doesn’t really know how much he has hurt me over and over again.
But I know myself.. this too shall pass… tomorrow is another day. And knowing myself, my anger, hurt and pain will just wash away like the sandcastle in the beach, and I would not be able to remember this moment again until the next time it happens. And trust me, it will happen again. Pathetic right?
Will somebody punch me in the head to make it right? My head must have rattled loose sometime in the past and has never been the same again, maybe that’s why I’m such a loser.. anybody out there? Punch me please?
musings from a sad and lonely dreamer drastically wishing for life to be just a little better –
04-05-2010.9:20 pm
